Desperate for Money Read online



  Desperate for Money

  By Jason Wallace

  ******

  Published by:

  Desperate for Money

  Copyright © 2015 by Jason Wallace

  Money is what we keep searching our whole lives for.

  You get enough

  And then look for more.

  I never have that much it seems.

  It's always gone

  Cuz it streams away from me.

  Sure,

  I'd have to say I have it good,

  But I know that if I could get more...

  I would.

  I'm greedy.

  It's not like you're not.

  You get all you can get.

  We're only needy

  For the possessions we don't have yet.

  We don't stop

  To help the ones who really need help.

  If anyone ask about our deeds,

  We say we're fulfilling our needs...

  When all we're really doing is helping ourselves,

  Allowing our kids to do what we did.

  People tell us to spread the wealth,

  So we spread it to our bank accounts.

  If you saw inside,

  You'd be looking in a mirror of pride,

  A reflection of survival of the fittest delusional demons.

  You have a collection of reasons,

  But they are all false conclusions.

  We are all so very desperate,

  Desperate for money,

  Desperate for all the things

  We think we need to have.

  Our desperation is our desolation.

  What will be when it all ceases to last?

  The houses we house our loot in,

  The cash that matters so much

  That some go out shooting,

  The pain they all cause...

  They are all things we could live without,

  But we would live in doubt.

  I've tried to find words

  To convince others of their vanity,

  But I find myself at a loss.

  I guess I should work on me

  Before I tell them what to do.

  The evilness of the world does not alarm me.

  It's what everyone learned in school.

  Peace is never purchased

  But only leased.

  It's so seldom held

  That most will never be able

  To remember the way it felt.

  It's not often openly received.

  How many ever call someone a neighbor

  When they are themselves haters?

  Can't we push it back a notch or two?

  What has anyone ever done for you?

  Nothing if you don't let them join you in your joy

  Or meet you in your mourning.

  We wear our weariness on our faces

  Until we have made so many mistakes

  No one can save us,

  And we send all surrounding residents

  A preemptive warning.

  We are all so very desperate,

  Desperate for money,

  Desperate for all the things

  We think we need to have.

  Our desperation is our desolation.

  What will be when it all ceases to last?

  Get away from me

  Before you slip away from me.

  I strip away my way

  To feed my family.

  I go out every day,

  Seeking fortune and fame.

  I never heard them say

  Don't play life like a game.

  I don't know my name.

  It is not the same.

  I changed it with the challenges I've faced,

  Eroded it from the emotions I've erased.

  What I'm trying to say

  Is that I don't know the way.

  I worked so many years

  To have no treasures to show.

  All that had endured for sure

  Is that I can't stay.

  Why do you look afraid?

  You've prayed your prayers,

  Fought your fears

  And played all you have to play.

  If your life were suddenly over,

  Would you feel you've done all you had to do?

  Did you reach someone else?

  Did you only make things better for yourself?

  Was there something left different

  Than it was the day before?

  When there is some marvel to see,

  Some miracle spent,

  Will there be a soul to remark it was yours?

  We are all so very desperate,

  Desperate for money,

  Desperate for all the things

  We think we need to have.

  Our desperation is our desolation.

  What will be when it all ceases to last?

  Everyone is desperate,

  Desperate for a better time.

  From our births,

  We have a reservation for desperation.

  Some are desperate for riches...

  While there are those desperate for their next dime.

  We are all so very desperate,

  Desperate for money,

  Desperate for all the things

  We think we need to have.

  Our desperation is our desolation.

  What will be when it all ceases to last?

  We are all so very desperate,

  Desperate for money,

  Desperate for all the things

  We think we need to have.

  Our desperation is our desolation.

  What will be when it all ceases to last?

  Product

  I’m worn out, worn down, torn down;

  I’ve got a warning for you.

  The hardest thing you’ll ever do

  Is live through

  All the pain, all the strain

  Of being you.

  Simply put, you’re simply put

  Into a place that you never would choose,

  Beaten like you intended to

  Be what they want,

  What they can’t be…

  But you don’t fall in line,

  So they can’t see

  That you’ve got a life to live,

  Got a lot to give

  Before all your all is taken away

  And spewed back at you.

  You get a load of shit

  That they manufactured for your mouth

  To eat and repeat

  And never spit it out.

  So, just ask for more,

  And leave it alone.

  What do you try to be anyone for

  When being nothing but a clone is all you own?

  The numbing of the nothing that you’ve become

  Is something for someone, but only for you

  If you can’t try trusting,

  Then you’re of no use

  Because they have to fill you with their filth

  And fit you with their noose.

  If you don’t believe, then you have no excuse.

  You didn’t accept their guilt and their gifts and their refuse.

  You didn’t swallow their swill and follow their will.

  Take note that the remote that controls your soul

  Is in someone else’s hand; take that pill;

  Choke on their lies; walk with blinded eyes.

  You always have; you always will.

  You’re nothing but a sorry story to sell,

  A product to be bought up and bottled and remodeled,

  And you buy in all the time, so, oh well.

  The Machine

  I used to think

  That I could ever speak
>
  Any words to anyone

  That would mean anything

  More than just to me,

  Just to me

  Every single time that I start to blink,

  My eyes begin to twitch, and I lose my edge,

  And it all seems that I freeze, unable

  To come back down to a place where

  I’m smart enough never to dream

  Or try to be more than I am,

  More than me,

  More than just me

  I’ve fallen down, so I’m falling in,

  Right into line where they all want me to be

  The all numbing sin is to give up the piece

  That you fight so hard to find, grasping to seize,

  Ever to keep, building up to get torn back down,

  Burned and drowned, whitened like the masses of sheep,

  And the only thing I have left is the drain from my skin,

  The cut of the flesh, the wound that never ceases to bleed

  I’m living off of the hand, the emplacing one, the un-embracing one

  That is the only part of that machine that gives one damn to feed

  Because you have to do what you’re told but be kept alive

  Just long enough so they can suck away all the energy and product they need

  You’re only what they make of you, so get ready to be

  The restrained, damaged, demanded little scrap of meat,

  Festered and blistered, shredded, bludgeoned, beat

  Be like them; be like them, the others chosen for a life

  Given away under the control of the whole of the ones

  Holding your all til they eat, spit you out as some crumb, then repeat

  Hopeless

  Living like I'm in constant fear

  I swear I don't know

  Who I am

  A life full of

  So much regret

  It tears apart my soul

  I look in my broken mirror

  I think I see a man

  But the shape looks so cold

 

  Indignant, indecent, recently,

  A shred of dignity

  Is all I ask myself for

  Repentant but not enough penitence

  Ignorant of how to carry on one day more

 

  Careful contemplation of

  My imagination of self-gratification

  The face I'm facing is erasing any

  Of anything I once felt

  Feeling strangulation, exaggerating the inner aching

  Taking myself for granted, losing what is left

 

  Hoping I have a home I can call on

  Because this place where I am

  Is nothingness to me

  Searching for something I can be proud of

  I fall on

  Nothing but

  Misery

 

  Terrified

  Of a life

  That I no longer want to live

  I don't feel alive

  So dead inside

  Is there more out there to gain, to give

 

  Alone again, unknown to the end

  By anyone that could

  Help me out of my hole and be whole again

 

  Surrounded by shame

  Turned around by so much blame

  It seems that's all there is anymore

  All I have left is my name

  And more pain

  Than any one person should

  Carry with them yet still feel the same

  As they always did before

 

  Disheartened, hardened heartache

  Dissipated, disillusioned, partly fake

  Taking one day at a time

  Enlightened yet so frightened

  By knowing nothing but

  Insanity plus

  Memories that get mixed and misinterpreted

  And make me lose my mind

 

  If in the end, I find

  Some bit of truth, of a sign

  Of where I might go next

  It could be worth

  All the good, bad, and worse

  And the worst yet to come

  To figure out what hope I have left

 

  But until that day

  Come what may

  I couldn't feel like less than I do right now

  I might not have to end it all

  To fix the fall

  And might find some strength to fight some way, somehow

  But all I know is low

  All this time runs slow

  It's more emptiness than one should be allowed

  I wish for nothing more than some way out

  Hate Me

  Hate me

  If it makes you feel so good

  Since I could never make you

  Feel anything else

  Hate me good

  Hate me now

  If it gives you some answer to

  Some question you’ve been

  Asking yourself for so long

  Hate me; please hate me

  Hate me any way you want to do

  Hate me now

  Hate me

  If it’s all that there is left in you

  Hate me today, tomorrow, and the next

  Until you’re drained of the remains of memory

  Hate me; you know you hate me

  Hate me in the sense

  That you would never recommend

  Anything about me but hating me

  Hate me for everything I said I’d do

  Hate me for how I tried

  To give you more than an empty life

  But couldn’t deliver it in time

  Hate me; please hate me

  Hate me down

  To a nub of another numb,

  Corpse at my core of all I am living for

  Hate me like you swore you couldn’t give into

  I’m torn in two, born anew

  Of the hate you place, erasing the taste of me,

  Except for the tragedy of happily

  Accepting me when you said to me

  That you could never be

  Less than the whole that you were left

  After being in a hole

  So, hate me now,

  And hate me down

  Let me drown in the bitter water

  Of bloody slaughter of all we ever had

  So, hate me good, and hate me bad

  Hate me again,

  Even if you’ve tried

  To walk away from this place of pain

  Hate me and my name and my face

  And my waste of your days here with

  A man that gave you all he knew how to give

  Hate me again

  Hate me when

  You think of everything, of anything

  Worth more than hopeless dreams

  That we shared so long ago

  But gave to time

  To pass us by

  Laugh at me, and don’t ask why

  Hate me for all you need

  To be unafraid

  Hate me the same

  Hate me to shame

  Hate me for all of

  Your years to come; place on me all the blame

  Hate me like I’ve wanted to

  Do to you but never could and never would

  But can only wish never came, that we’d never met

  And never played such a game

  So, hate me in word, in name

  Hate me now, today; don’t ever look away

  It’s alright to say

  That you hate me, hate me, hate me this way

  You Break Me

  You hate me,

  But I can't let you go

  You played me

  Like a game,

  Like a pro

  I had so many feelings

  It would end like this,

  But how was I to know


 

  I'm not gonna beg you

  I'm not gonna try

  To change your mind

  There is no way

  You could be happy enough

  To stay

  So I'll let you

  Do your thing

  For all of time

  I can't let you go

  In my head,

  In my heart,

  We had so many moments,

  So many memories

  That will never again

  Be mine til when

  You can start

  To pull your head

  From the ass

  That I've been kissin’

  For so long

  My lips are frozen

  Stuck to the cheeks

  You're walkin’ away

  Leavin’ me alone

  And scared and afraid

  And so weak

 

  But you break me

  You make me

  Go so out of control

  You hate me

  And I really

  Don't wanna let you go

  So I won't

  Cuz I can't

  You'll live on

  In everything in me

  The reasons you are leavin’

  Are kind of a mystery

  But at least

  You're endin’ all this misery

  Cuz livin’ with you

  May be worse

  Than living without you

  I'll find out soon

  Maybe we've been together too long

  Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed

 

  I know I will miss those lips

  I will miss those tits

  I will miss that ass

  But I'll also miss

  The way you kiss

  And the way you laugh

  The way you smile

  The way you frown

  The way you can make me

  So happy

  When my world is upside down

  So, I want you to know

  Even though it's for the best

  You're leavin’ me the worst

  I'll be a total wreck

  Like I was

  When we first met

 

  We'll both find someone else

  And hate ourselves

  And move on

  Like we were meant to do

  But every pulse

  Every breath

  Won't make me

  Able to forget about you

 

  But you break me

  You make me

  Go so out of control

  You hate me

  And I really

  Don't wanna let you go

  So I won't

  Cuz I can't

  You'll live on

  In everything in me

  The reasons you are leavin’

  Are kind of a mystery

  But at least

  You're endin’ all this misery

  Cuz livin’ with you

  May be worse

  Than living without you

  I'll find out soon

  Maybe we've been together too long

  Sometimes I feel like I'm doomed

 

  You break me

  You break me down

  You break me up

  Into so many pieces

  I'll never be enough

  Of a man

  To be worth a damn

  Cuz you've ruined

  What I had left

 

  You break my heart

  You rip out my soul

  You tear me apart

  With no part of me that's whole

 

  You break me

  You break me down

  You used to lift me up